Two thirds of us have experienced mental ill health in our lifetime, but it is still such a taboo subject.

I've suffered with high anxiety for the majority of my life, with the past few years being partially hard to deal with. From the moment I wake up a voice in my head is screaming, SCREAMING at me horrible thoughts and feelings as if it's mad at me for being alive. This is my story...

What time is it?

Shit, have I overslept?

No your alarm is always set two hours before it has to be.

What if the clocks have changed?

What if I can’t tell the time properly?

What am I doing today?

I need to get up.

What if something bad happens to me today?

What if there’s a terrorist attack in town?

What if I get hit by a car?

What if I want to get hit by a car?

What if someone stabs me in the street?

Maybe I should stay in bed.

I can’t stay in bed; people will think I’m lazy.

Or weird.

Or boring.

But what if something bad happens to me?

What if something bad happens to my boyfriend?

Or my family.

I hope my brother is doing good.

What if he isn’t?

What if it’s all getting too much for him again?

What if it’s my fault?

What if he’s killed himself and they haven’t told me?

What if it’s my fault?

I hope my nana is okay.

What if she’s fallen over and hurt herself?

What if she’s just died in her sleep?

I should go home and see them.

What if the train crashes?

What if I get pushed onto the tracks?

What if I don’t get off the train in time?

What if I can’t afford the train fare?

What if I have no money at all?

How am I meant to pay rent?

What if I become homeless?

What if someone attacks me because I’m homeless?

What if I have to drop out of uni and go home?

What am I meant to do then?

How will I get a job?

How will I survive?

I hope my housemates don’t need the bathroom.

What if they do?

I should have asked first.

What if they hate me now?

What if they kick me out the house?

What if they kill me in my sleep?

What if I slipped in the shower right now?

No one would be able to help, the door is locked.

What if I just died in the shower?

That would flood the whole bathroom.

Is that a weird mark on my leg?

What if I have an illness?

Am I dying?

I don’t have time to go to the doctors.

What if I can’t get an appointment?

What if I suddenly just die cause of the illness in my leg?

What if my boyfriend moves on when I die?

What if he loves her more than he loved me?

What if his family prefer her over me?

What if my family move on?

What if no one came to my funeral?

What if no one cared?

What if everyone wants me dead anyway?

What if I’m forgotten?

Have I got everything?

What if I don’t have my keys?

Better check again.

Did I lock the door?

What if we get burgled?

Are my steps too loud?

Are people staring?

Is my outfit weird?

People think I look weird.

Has my makeup smudged?

I’m so ugly.

Did I lock the door?

Have they cancelled my lesson without telling me?

What if they’re all playing a trick on me?

I know no one likes me at uni.

Is it cause I’m weird?

That bird is about the fly at me.

That bird is about to kill me.

That man could just grab me and take me right now.

He could take me and kill me.

What if no one finds me?

What if that car hit me right now?

Should I jump in front of the car?

Did I lock the door?

What if I fail this degree?

Why don’t I understand?

Am I stupid?

Everyone else knows what they’re doing.

The board isn’t very clear.

Do I need glasses?

Am I going blind?

What if I go blind and never get to see the world again?

What if my nana goes blind and doesn’t get to see me get married?

What if I never get married?

What if I never get a good job?

What if I fail this degree?

What if someone just came into this room and killed everyone?

No one likes me in this class.

How can I get all these deadlines in in time?

I should have stayed in bed.

I should catch up on uni work.

I have too much to do.

Where do I start?

What if I don’t do it all in time?

It’s going to be shit anyway.

I’m so stupid.

Why am I at university?

If I don’t do it, I’ll fail and have to go back home.

Everyone will think I’m a failure.

What if I embarrass my family?

I always embarrass my family.

I’m 22 and still at uni, I’m a failure.

What if they disown me?

I don’t have many friends at uni.

Maybe everyone hates me?

What if the friends I do have hate me?

Why does everyone hate me?

What if my boyfriend hates me?

Maybe he feels stuck with me.

What if he loves someone else?

Maybe I’m boring.

Or weird.

Or annoying.

Maybe it’s because of my anxiety?

I’m so stupid.

Why can’t I just be normal?

Am I ruining people’s lives cause of my anxiety?

Do they hate me because of it?

They hate me.

Am I an embarrassment?

I should start just staying my room.

I shouldn’t leave the house.

I hate using the gas oven.

What if there’s a gas leak?

What if set the house on fire?

What if it explodes?

What if it kills me?

What if I get food poisoning?

Or choke on my food?

What if no one can help me?

What if I die?

I just won’t eat tonight.

I should have gone out with the girls tonight.

What if they hate me for not coming out?

I’m so stupid.

This is why you have no friends.

This is why everyone hates you.

What if we get burgled in the night?

What if someone sets the house on fire while I’m asleep?

What if I die in my sleep?

What if someone in my family dies overnight?

What if they hate me because I’m at uni and not at home?

What if going to uni was a bad idea?

I have so much work to do tomorrow.

What if I fail?

My boyfriend has gone to bed early.

What if he hasn’t actually gone to bed?

What if he’s with someone else?

What if it’s all a joke?

What if he never actually loved me?

I’m so stupid.

What if something bad happens to me tomorrow?

Maybe I should stay in bed.

I can’t stay in bed, people will think I’m lazy.

Or weird.

But what if something bad happens to me?

There's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to mental health, everyone is fighting their own battle. Although still a taboo subject, people are starting to open their eyes and ears and are willing to help those in need. For those who are fortunate enough to have never encountered mental illness, I hope this post has made you realise and understand what myself and the millions of people worldwide go through each day.

If you need help, speak out.

Lauren-Georgina x